Sunshine or Rainclouds?

Each of us have weaknesses. Not one of us is exempt from them. Just as our spouse has weaknesses so do we. We usually enjoy 80% of our spouse’s character. The other 20% is the things that annoy us. We often get caught up in looking at only the 20%. Of course our marriage will suffer when we only see the bad. It is like choosing a raincloud to follow you around all day. The percentages show us that there are more things that we love about our spouse than dislike. When we focus on the 80%, we choose sunshine to follow us around. I know that when I choose the 80% I am much happier. I had a companion on my mission with whom I felt frustrated. Do you know what the source of frustration was? It was my looking only at her weaknesses. One day I had a change of heart and tried to see only the good in her. As I sought to see her strengths, I lost my frustration. I needed to change my self and not the other way around. I needed to see the sunshine instead of the raincloud.

The truth is that we cannot change people no matter how much we want to. John Gottman says that 70% of that 20% that annoys us will never change! That means for the most part we cannot change those traits or habits. Instead we are given the opportunity to learn to love those traits. In an earlier post I mentioned that we need to love the warts that our spouse has. This is the perfect time to begin to love them. If you were to take away those things that annoy you, your spouse would not be the same. In fact, they would be a different person. I have learned that every weakness has strength. Removing a weakness from your spouse would mean removing a strength that you love. You can choose to see the good that comes from that 20%.  You may wonder about remaining 30% of the 20% if things that annoy you. That 30% can change on one condition: you must love your spouse the way they are. Isn’t it ironic that we must love our spouse the way they are in order for them to change? Think about yourself. When are you most likely to change? Is when you feel criticized or when you feel love? I know that I change when I feel love and accepted for who I am. I do not worry about weaknesses and shortcomings. Instead I feel free of restraint. I feel that I can fly and become anyone that I want to be.

I invite you to think where you are on the 80/20%. Where do you spend most of your time? Do you see all of the good in your spouse? Do you love them the way they are? If you are short in one of these areas, make a plan to do better. I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ we can change. You can change your thoughts and actions to that of a better person. You can love your spouse more deeply and intimately as you plead for Heaven’s help. Choose to fill your life with sunshine as you seek for the 80% in spouse. 

Photos courtesy of:

www.crossfitterranova.com  wallippo.com

I Love You Warts and All

“For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. This can be hard to do, but it is well worth it,” said Gottman in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Each of us do and say things that are annoying or frustrating to other people particularly our spouse. Gottman continues, “I have found that couples who have remained happily married for many years are able to enjoy each other- foibles and all- because of the strength of their fondness and admiration… Through the course of their marriages, they had learned to view their partners’ shortcomings and oddities as amusing parts of the whole package of their spouse’s character and personality.” Each of us is not a perfectly painted masterpiece. We are more like a puzzle that is made up of hundreds of little pieces. Each little piece fits perfectly with another piece until an entire picture is formed. Each piece represents an attribute, trait, or habit that we have. There are times in which we only focus on our spouse’s one trait or habit which is like focusing on one piece. We become frustrated with them. We are missing the fact that each piece completes the puzzle that makes our spouse. We need to look at the whole puzzle or as Gottman would say loving the whole package. As we see our whole spouse, we love them- faults and all. They in return do the same thing to us.   

Gottman says, "Somehow couples such as these have learned to mellow about their partner's faults... Whatever issue they are discussing, they give each other the message that they love and accept each other, 'warts and all.'" We are not the perfect prince or princess. Each of us have warts on covering us. However we can learn to love those warts. One day we will be perfect but until then we are to patiently love our spouse. Remember that as you look at the warts on your spouse’s face that you to have a few warts. Not one of us is wart free but one day we will. Until then we are to love our frog with patience and understanding. We are to love the entire package.  

The Only Surrender That Is a Victory

Elder Russell M Nelson said, “Consecration is the only surrender which is also a victory.” One may wonder the connection between consecration and marriage but marriage is all about consecration. “The law of consecration is a divine principle whereby men and women voluntarily dedicate their time, talents, and material wealth to the establishment and building up of God’s kingdom” (Guide to the Scriptures).  This applies to marriage. Marriage is a place where a man and woman voluntarily dedicate their time, talents, and material possessions to their spouse. Part of consecration is giving the very best part of us. H Wallace Goddard in his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage teaches us how we can be consecrated to our spouse.

To be truly consecrated in our marriage is to everyday give our best efforts. No matter how we feel we give everything we have to our partner. Goddard says, “Consecration invites us to put everything we have on the altar- to hold nothing back. We are willing to minister to a mixed-up spouse. We are willing to love a failing partner. We bless those who belittle us. We pray for those who have despitefully used us…But every married person must accept abundant limitations if they hope to have a strong relationship. Then consecration moves us from acceptance to using our spiritual energy to rescue our imperfect partners” (pg 99). In marriage it is to love our spouse no matter what comes. Marriage is not all peaches and cream. There are failures, trials, and sorrows. The thing that matters is how we respond. We are to give without expecting anything in return.

On my mission, we had Elder Brent H Nielsen of the Seventy and his wife come tour our mission. Sister Nielsen talked to us about the holiness of everyday. She read a book that focused on seeing things the way our Heavenly Father sees them.  Instead of seeing a messy home with toys spewed across every room, He sees children who are loved. He sees children whose parents can afford to give them such gifts. He sees parents who are giving their children opportunities to learn. Sister Nielsen then taught us the power of perspective. As she came to understand the holiness of every day, she decided to make her house a home. She bought fun sheets for the children. She decided that her family would be the fruit of her creative juices.

This same thing applies to marriage. Just as the mother must see the messy house in the Lord’s way so do we need to see things through the eyes of our Father in Heaven. He sees the whole pictures of our relationship. We see the here and now but He sees the big picture. He understands how everything is making us into better people. Marriage is an invitation to become as He. He has given His best efforts to help us succeed. He made this Earth a beautiful home for us. We now have that same opportunity to give our best. We can find the holiness in everyday of marriage. It could be leaving a note on the bathroom mirror. Instead of a regular dinner you could bring out your special dishes. Our spouse deserves the very best from us. In this process we become as our Savior. Consecration is a victory for we make our marriage better than ever. Are you willing to give your best to your spouse? 

Romance: What Is It Really?

In the world today we are taught that romance is the knight in shining, the man who sweeps us off the feet, and a man who ignites fire in our soul. Hollywood seeks to show that romance is a scene worthy of any movie. It is expensive gifts, candle lit dinners, and giant gestures of love. The question we may have is this truly romance? What is true romance? John M Gottman would argue that romance is not overly huge romantic gestures but the quiet things we do daily. He says, “[Romance] is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.” In fact he would say that romance is the shopping trip the husband and wife make to the supermarket or calling your spouse when you know they are having a hard day. True romance is when a husband and a wife turn toward one another each and every day. Romance is knowing that we are valued by someone. It is knowing that this person truly knows us and cares about us. It is feeling cherished. You can have someone who buys you beautiful diamond necklaces but what does that mean if he does not take the time to listen to you? Most of us would rather have someone who listens to us and values us.

The first time I saw this video I was touched. Some may argue that this is not romance. However I believe Dr. Gottman would argue that this is real romance. You see the romance as the couple turn toward one another. The husband saw the way in which his wife wanted to dance. He took the time to quietly brush her hair. He did things even though it was not easy for him. He turned toward his spouse by serving her. You could see in the wife’s eyes the love she has for him. When things became tough, they stayed together.  

Turning towards one another can be hard. It is requiring that we do not think about our self. It requires us to put someone’s needs above our own.  True romance comes as we pay the price to love someone before our self. I will admit that it is hard to put other’s thoughts, feelings, and needs before our own. However it is always worth it for we grow in our love.