In-laws: Adding Spice to Life

I want you to think about your last name or your maiden name. Ask yourself this question. What does it mean to be a (insert your last name)? What does it mean to be a Willis? It means having a very strange sense of humor. It means trips to the mountains. It means trying new things. It means a love of dirt biking. It means having bounteous traditions created over the years. Each and every family has its own personal recipe that distinguishes it from any other family. However it becomes hard when in-laws enter the picture. In-laws present new theories and ideas that test the constitution. They may not like dirt biking. They may not think my family is very funny. Soon the in-laws can be seen as outlaws. Having in-laws is a blessing. They provide new methods to an old recipe to make it even better. How can one accept in-laws? Here are some suggestions for adapting to a changing recipe. This list applies to parents in regards to in-laws, siblings to new in-laws, and to your new in-laws.

·         Trust the choice that they have made in marrying this person.

·         You need to work towards establishing a relationship with your new in-law. Respect and love them. Try to find a balance of self-disclosure and acceptance. You are family now.

·         As parents or the new in-law, view the new set of parents as an additional set of protectors who can help your child  or you with guidance and advice. Inquire about their in-laws health. Avoid competing with your spouse. 

·         Pray to be able to love your new in-law. Pray to see them the way that the Lord sees them.

·         Be understanding of the fact that they cannot do everything with you anymore. They will have to find a balance between both sets of families. Be understanding that they will have to refuse some activities in order to achieve balance.

·         Don’t give advice.

·         Don’t criticize.

·         Do not pin them down to a specific reason why they will not be attending a specific event.

·         No criticizing or disciplining if grandchildren. Your family member is now creating their own recipe.

·          Do not have unclear or indirect communication.

·         Accept differences in your family. Having differences in your family allows you to gain new perspective.

·         Spend quality time with your new in-laws. Seek to have one on one time that is positive.

A lady once explained what each in-law contributed to their family. One of her daughter-in-laws is a talented photographer. Another son-in-law helps them figure out technology. Each in-law makes your family better. Each in-law adds spice to the recipe of life. A recipe can always become better. That is what happens when in-laws are embraced into the family.

Oxen, Unity, and Happiness

I have always been fascinated by the pioneers. I loved the stories of faithful men and women leaving behind their life in favor of taming a wild frontier. Many came by wagons carried by teams of horses or oxen. Horses may have been faster than oxen yet they often ran out of strength. Oxen were a slow and steady team that made it to the valley. The key to the oxen’s success was that they worked in harmony consistently pressing forward. President Packer gave an account of an ox team pulling contest. He said, “A wooden sledge was weighted with cement blocks: ten thousand pounds [4,535 kg]—five tons. … The object was for the oxen to move the sledge three feet [91 cm]. … I noticed a well-matched pair of very large, brindled, blue-gray animals … [the] big blue oxen of seasons past. Teams were eliminated one by one. … The big blue oxen didn’t even place! A small, nondescript pair of animals, not very well matched for size, moved the sledge all three times. The big blues were larger and stronger and better matched for size than the other team. But the little oxen had better teamwork and coordination. They hit the yoke together. Both animals jerked forward at exactly the same time and the force moved the load.” In marriage we are two different sized oxen yet we can still move our marriage and family forward. The important thing is to work together as a team.

Marion G. Romney said, “Remember that neither the wife nor the husband is the slave of the other. Husbands and wives are equal partners, particularly Latter-day Saint husbands and wives.” A marriage is a partnership between a man and a woman. One spouse is not more important than the other spouse. Both partners contribute special gifts and talents to a marriage that benefit the entire family.

 I look to my parents as an example of unity in marriage. As children we always knew how to play our parents. When they were not united, we played them to get what we wanted. However when they were united as one on decisions, we could not play them to get what we wanted. Unity led our family to push onto the West together with the oxen pulling the load. “It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family... It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children…It is important that parents make sure that they are working together and making decisions that are consistent with each other. Except in cases of abuse, passively not supporting the other parent or actively undermining the authority of the other parent causes serious damage to children” (Richard B Miller).

One may ask how they can be united. President Joseph Fielding Smith gave this advice.

Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children… The wife, also, should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him… Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home.

May we become more united as a couple. No matter the difference in size, a couple can push forward as they work in teamwork. Working as a team you can figuratively press forward to the West. Happiness will illuminate your family. You will find greater peace and happiness than you have ever known. 

Sex: It Is So Much More

Often times when we teach about sex we focus on it being used for the creating of children. We are taught that it is not to be used outside the bonds of marriage. Throughout our years growing up, we hear how it is wrong to participate in sex until one is married. It leads one to believe that sex is dirty; that it is only to be used when creating children. While sex is to be employed only between a man and a woman lawfully married, there is much more to it. I am single so I do not have much experience with this which is why I want to focus this article on teaching the youth the true meaning of intimacy. There were times in young women’s that I felt that this part of intimacy was dirty. I know that I dreaded law of chastity lessons. Heavenly Father did not create sexual intimacy so we would fear it. There is a greater purpose to it that we must understand.

In the Meridian Magazine Sean E Brother talks about the purpose of intimacy in marriage. Prior to marriage he was trying to learn what to expect. He asked his mother what sexual intimacy was like. “My mother laughed and said that sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love.” Heavenly Father gave us sexual intimacy so that a couple can nearer together. It is meant to be more than creating children. It is a binding of two souls together throughout the experiences and trials of life.

Hugh B Brown said,   “Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.” The thing that youth need to understand is that these urges were given to us by our Heavenly Father. It is a beautiful expression of love between a man and a woman when done as commanded. President Harold B Lee taught, “The divine impulse within every true man and woman that impels companionship with the opposite sex is intended by our Maker as a holy impulse for a holy purpose, not to be satisfied as a mere biological urge or as a lust of the flesh in promiscuous associations, but to be reserved as an expression of true love in holy wedlock.”

One of my companions had a friend who was getting married. The friend told her that her whole life she had been told not to have sex. In one night she was supposed to forget those years of being told not to do it. It is a great disservice to our youth. We need to help youth understand sex is not dirty. We need to be open and frank with them. We must help them understand that it is truly beautiful when done in the Lord’s way. They need to understand the eternal purpose of sexual intimacy. 

Sunshine or Rainclouds?

Each of us have weaknesses. Not one of us is exempt from them. Just as our spouse has weaknesses so do we. We usually enjoy 80% of our spouse’s character. The other 20% is the things that annoy us. We often get caught up in looking at only the 20%. Of course our marriage will suffer when we only see the bad. It is like choosing a raincloud to follow you around all day. The percentages show us that there are more things that we love about our spouse than dislike. When we focus on the 80%, we choose sunshine to follow us around. I know that when I choose the 80% I am much happier. I had a companion on my mission with whom I felt frustrated. Do you know what the source of frustration was? It was my looking only at her weaknesses. One day I had a change of heart and tried to see only the good in her. As I sought to see her strengths, I lost my frustration. I needed to change my self and not the other way around. I needed to see the sunshine instead of the raincloud.

The truth is that we cannot change people no matter how much we want to. John Gottman says that 70% of that 20% that annoys us will never change! That means for the most part we cannot change those traits or habits. Instead we are given the opportunity to learn to love those traits. In an earlier post I mentioned that we need to love the warts that our spouse has. This is the perfect time to begin to love them. If you were to take away those things that annoy you, your spouse would not be the same. In fact, they would be a different person. I have learned that every weakness has strength. Removing a weakness from your spouse would mean removing a strength that you love. You can choose to see the good that comes from that 20%.  You may wonder about remaining 30% of the 20% if things that annoy you. That 30% can change on one condition: you must love your spouse the way they are. Isn’t it ironic that we must love our spouse the way they are in order for them to change? Think about yourself. When are you most likely to change? Is when you feel criticized or when you feel love? I know that I change when I feel love and accepted for who I am. I do not worry about weaknesses and shortcomings. Instead I feel free of restraint. I feel that I can fly and become anyone that I want to be.

I invite you to think where you are on the 80/20%. Where do you spend most of your time? Do you see all of the good in your spouse? Do you love them the way they are? If you are short in one of these areas, make a plan to do better. I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ we can change. You can change your thoughts and actions to that of a better person. You can love your spouse more deeply and intimately as you plead for Heaven’s help. Choose to fill your life with sunshine as you seek for the 80% in spouse. 

Photos courtesy of:

www.crossfitterranova.com  wallippo.com

I Love You Warts and All

“For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. This can be hard to do, but it is well worth it,” said Gottman in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Each of us do and say things that are annoying or frustrating to other people particularly our spouse. Gottman continues, “I have found that couples who have remained happily married for many years are able to enjoy each other- foibles and all- because of the strength of their fondness and admiration… Through the course of their marriages, they had learned to view their partners’ shortcomings and oddities as amusing parts of the whole package of their spouse’s character and personality.” Each of us is not a perfectly painted masterpiece. We are more like a puzzle that is made up of hundreds of little pieces. Each little piece fits perfectly with another piece until an entire picture is formed. Each piece represents an attribute, trait, or habit that we have. There are times in which we only focus on our spouse’s one trait or habit which is like focusing on one piece. We become frustrated with them. We are missing the fact that each piece completes the puzzle that makes our spouse. We need to look at the whole puzzle or as Gottman would say loving the whole package. As we see our whole spouse, we love them- faults and all. They in return do the same thing to us.   

Gottman says, "Somehow couples such as these have learned to mellow about their partner's faults... Whatever issue they are discussing, they give each other the message that they love and accept each other, 'warts and all.'" We are not the perfect prince or princess. Each of us have warts on covering us. However we can learn to love those warts. One day we will be perfect but until then we are to patiently love our spouse. Remember that as you look at the warts on your spouse’s face that you to have a few warts. Not one of us is wart free but one day we will. Until then we are to love our frog with patience and understanding. We are to love the entire package.  

The Only Surrender That Is a Victory

Elder Russell M Nelson said, “Consecration is the only surrender which is also a victory.” One may wonder the connection between consecration and marriage but marriage is all about consecration. “The law of consecration is a divine principle whereby men and women voluntarily dedicate their time, talents, and material wealth to the establishment and building up of God’s kingdom” (Guide to the Scriptures).  This applies to marriage. Marriage is a place where a man and woman voluntarily dedicate their time, talents, and material possessions to their spouse. Part of consecration is giving the very best part of us. H Wallace Goddard in his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage teaches us how we can be consecrated to our spouse.

To be truly consecrated in our marriage is to everyday give our best efforts. No matter how we feel we give everything we have to our partner. Goddard says, “Consecration invites us to put everything we have on the altar- to hold nothing back. We are willing to minister to a mixed-up spouse. We are willing to love a failing partner. We bless those who belittle us. We pray for those who have despitefully used us…But every married person must accept abundant limitations if they hope to have a strong relationship. Then consecration moves us from acceptance to using our spiritual energy to rescue our imperfect partners” (pg 99). In marriage it is to love our spouse no matter what comes. Marriage is not all peaches and cream. There are failures, trials, and sorrows. The thing that matters is how we respond. We are to give without expecting anything in return.

On my mission, we had Elder Brent H Nielsen of the Seventy and his wife come tour our mission. Sister Nielsen talked to us about the holiness of everyday. She read a book that focused on seeing things the way our Heavenly Father sees them.  Instead of seeing a messy home with toys spewed across every room, He sees children who are loved. He sees children whose parents can afford to give them such gifts. He sees parents who are giving their children opportunities to learn. Sister Nielsen then taught us the power of perspective. As she came to understand the holiness of every day, she decided to make her house a home. She bought fun sheets for the children. She decided that her family would be the fruit of her creative juices.

This same thing applies to marriage. Just as the mother must see the messy house in the Lord’s way so do we need to see things through the eyes of our Father in Heaven. He sees the whole pictures of our relationship. We see the here and now but He sees the big picture. He understands how everything is making us into better people. Marriage is an invitation to become as He. He has given His best efforts to help us succeed. He made this Earth a beautiful home for us. We now have that same opportunity to give our best. We can find the holiness in everyday of marriage. It could be leaving a note on the bathroom mirror. Instead of a regular dinner you could bring out your special dishes. Our spouse deserves the very best from us. In this process we become as our Savior. Consecration is a victory for we make our marriage better than ever. Are you willing to give your best to your spouse? 

Romance: What Is It Really?

In the world today we are taught that romance is the knight in shining, the man who sweeps us off the feet, and a man who ignites fire in our soul. Hollywood seeks to show that romance is a scene worthy of any movie. It is expensive gifts, candle lit dinners, and giant gestures of love. The question we may have is this truly romance? What is true romance? John M Gottman would argue that romance is not overly huge romantic gestures but the quiet things we do daily. He says, “[Romance] is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.” In fact he would say that romance is the shopping trip the husband and wife make to the supermarket or calling your spouse when you know they are having a hard day. True romance is when a husband and a wife turn toward one another each and every day. Romance is knowing that we are valued by someone. It is knowing that this person truly knows us and cares about us. It is feeling cherished. You can have someone who buys you beautiful diamond necklaces but what does that mean if he does not take the time to listen to you? Most of us would rather have someone who listens to us and values us.

The first time I saw this video I was touched. Some may argue that this is not romance. However I believe Dr. Gottman would argue that this is real romance. You see the romance as the couple turn toward one another. The husband saw the way in which his wife wanted to dance. He took the time to quietly brush her hair. He did things even though it was not easy for him. He turned toward his spouse by serving her. You could see in the wife’s eyes the love she has for him. When things became tough, they stayed together.  

Turning towards one another can be hard. It is requiring that we do not think about our self. It requires us to put someone’s needs above our own.  True romance comes as we pay the price to love someone before our self. I will admit that it is hard to put other’s thoughts, feelings, and needs before our own. However it is always worth it for we grow in our love. 

The Map to Falling in Love

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. ~Mignon McLaughlin

I have to say that I love this quote. Marriage requires falling in love with your spouse over and over again. However life can become busy. It can be filled with work, children, church activities, or volunteer activities. It can become easy to become disconnected from your spouse. You are no longer best friends who intimately know details about one another. That is not what marriage is meant to become. This quote is about continually falling in love. We fall in love as we continually get to know one another. Being connected in marriage allows one to weather the storms that may come. We must know one another in order to love one another.  In his book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work John Gottman Ph.D provides a way for us to reconnect with our spouse on a constant basis.  He calls it a love map or “the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” A love map is where you store the details about your spouse: their likes, dislikes, or important experiences in their life. To love someone is to know them. Marriage is a living thing. It is constantly changing due to the arrival of children, challenges at work, or life problems. You need to continually A love map is completed as you get to know one another intimately.

These are some questions that are part of a love map:

What are the names of your spouse’s friends?

What are my spouse’s major aspirations and hopes in life?

What stresses are they experiencing right now?

What are they most sad about?

This is a link to more of the love map questions.

https://celectcdn.s3.amazonaws.com/files/0031/8009/Love_Maps.pdf

I am not married but I can think about my family. I cannot honestly answer most of these questions. This means that I need to take time to get to know my family. I cannot truly help my family until I know them. Knowledge is power in saving our marriage. Love maps provide a way for us to continually fall in love with our spouse. 

A Chapter View or a Story View?

How often do we become frustrated with those around us? How often do we say things in the heat of the moment without knowing the full story? As humans we can only see things from our own perspective. It is like only knowing a chapter from a book. We do not understand the full plot because we only know one part of the book. In Jane Eyre I remember so intensely disliking Mr. Rochester. He was angry and rude. He did not truly care for anyone. He had a string of mistresses. As I learned his story, my feelings toward him became to change. My heart broke as I learned that he was tricked into marrying a woman who was mad. My heart broke as I read of the deception of Mr. Rochester’s father and brother in arranging this marriage. Mr. Rochester was in an impossible situation. As I continued to learn more of his story, I came to admire him caring for his mad wife. He eventually risks his life to save her. As I came to know the full story, I came to change my attitude and opinion of Mr. Rochester. By the end of the book, I was rooting for him and Jane to marry. I was blind to the true nature of Mr. Rochester as I only knew part of his story. Our feelings and thoughts change as we come to understand the story from their point of view. Understanding the full story makes a difference in how we feel and react.

In marriage we are understanding to situations and events surrounding our life for we know the full story. We understand why we were running late.  However we do not extend that same compassion to our spouse. When they run late to dinner, we think of how irresponsible they are. We become angry and frustrated with them. We forget that we have done the same thing. We do not extend compassion and mercy as they have done to us. We only see the chapter instead of the story. We are so good at seeing only the chapter. We hold judgement against them. We need to have compassion and charity for our spouse. We need to see the full story. In his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage Dr. H Wallace Goddard says we need to change our thoughts. We need to go from thinking about our self to thinking of our spouse. We need to ask questions so we may see the full story.

These are questions that open our eyes only to the chapter:

Why are you doing this to me?

What’s wrong with you?

Don’t you understand why this is important to me?

These are questions that allow us to see the full chapter.

I wonder if I can understand why this is important to my partner?

What is my partner really telling me?

I wonder if I can understand her pain?

Can I get God to help me get beyond myself in order to understand my spouse?

True friendship is mercy, compassion, and forgiveness. It is reaching beyond yourself to help someone else.

This video is an excellent example of a woman who only saw a chapter.

May we all have a little more compassion. May we all be a little more understanding. May we all be more open to the full story of someone else’s life. 

The Power of True Love

As I have thought about what to write this week, my mind keeps going back to a lady I taught while I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The lady’s name is Diane. Diane is in her early seventies. She married young and then at the young age of 40 her husband died; she has been a widow for nearly 35 years. As we talked and came to know her, the most beautiful expression would come across her face as she talked about her husband. You could feel the love she had for her husband enter the room. You could sense the love that he had for her as well. I learned so much about true love from Diane. The way she spoke created a desire in me to have a marriage like the one she had. After several lessons my companion and I asked her if she had any advice on marriage. What followed was one of the most powerful lessons on my mission. She gave advice on having a marriage that is filled with love- true love.

1. She said to love your spouse. You never know what day will be your last day with them. Every moment we have with them is precious time. We should never waste that precious time. Even when they drive us crazy, we need to love them. This meant a lot from Diane. Even today she treasures those moments with her husband. They were never able to have children so the memories of her husband is all she has left. We need to live everyday as though it could be our last one together on this Earth.

2. She said to marry someone special. She said that we were special young ladies and that we should never settle for less than a special young man. We needed to marry someone that we could love and respect. Each of us should never settle for anything less than a special young man or woman. Each of deserve someone whom we can love and cherish and who will love and cherish us in return. In other words you need to marry your best friend.  Remember on those hard days those reasons why you chose your spouse. Imagine your life if they were not there by your side. We so often see the bad that we cease to see the good in those we love. We forget to love our spouse. One month on my mission my companion and I were given a challenge that helped us to love one another. Each night after planning for the next day we were to make a list of 5 things that we loved about each other. The catch was we could not repeat any attribute. Our mission president’s wife said that we were the happiest companionship. We were happy because there was no room for the bad. Instead of seeing the bad, we were focusing on finding new things that we love and admired about one another. We were building up one another instead of tearing one another down.  On those days we were frustrated with one another, we would be reminded about what we loved about one another. It made a difference to see the good in each other.

3. The final thing Diane taught was that love is about sacrifice. Diane said was that she would live in a tent by river if it meant she could have her husband back. She would give up everything to have one more moment with him. One of the most beautiful parts about the gospel is that our families can be together forever. True marriage is happiness. From Diane I learned the beauty that comes from marriage. Love can be eternal.

People may wonder if true love really exists. I know it does. It is not the fancy passionate love that Hollywood depicts. It is two people growing more in love each day. It is watching a ninety year old wife lovingly ask her ill husband if he is okay. Letting him know that she is there. It is still loving someone after 35 years of widowhood. It is caring for another when illness or sorrow comes. Bruce C. Hafen said: ‘Be friends first and sweethearts second. Lowell Bennion once said that relationships between young men and young women should be built like a pyramid. The base of the pyramid is friendship. And the ascending layers are built of things like time, understanding, respect, and restraint. Right at the top of the pyramid is a glittering little mystery called romance. And when weary travelers in the desert see that glitter on top of the pyramid from far off, they don’t see what underlies the jewel to give it such prominence and hold it so high’ (“The Gospel and Romantic Love,” in Brigham Young University 1982–83 Fireside and Devotional Speeches [1983], 32).”

I Will

Sister Bonnie Oscarson, the general young women’s president said, “Sisters, few of us will ever have to face an angry mob, but there is a war going on in this world in which our most cherished and basic doctrines are under attack. I am speaking specifically of the doctrine of the family. The sanctity of the home and the essential purposes of the family are being questioned, criticized, and assaulted on every front.”

I know that a concern that I have is how I can defend marriage. I am not a lawyer or a politician. I am a college so what kind of an impact can I make.  How can I stand for marriage? In his article, “The Attack on Marriage as the Union of a Man and a Woman” Lynn D Wardle gives an answer. “We must make that argument in new and creative ways… We need conservative intellectual forces — think tanks, scholars, religious leaders, and politicians — to actively engage the issue of marriage.”

Lynn D Wardle also says, “And what’s true for the news media is even worse for the cultural media. Keep in mind that Fox is the network that aired Beverly Hills 90210, Melrose Place, and now Glee — each of which has done its part to undermine a healthy vision of marriage and human sexuality. But what is the conservative alternative to Glee? We need more concerted financial commitments to advancing sound culture. There is opportunity here. Roger Ailes famously described himself as a media genius for discovering a niche market that ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, and MSNBC were all ignoring: half of the American population. What was true for the market in news consumption is just as true for entertainment more broadly. Enterprising entrepreneurs who can create television networks or film studios that produce high-quality family-friendly content not only perform good deeds, but will likely make a nice profit. There is an audience for high-quality entertainment that doesn’t undermine the values that parents are trying to impart to their children. Those of us with vocations in policy and the academy need to encourage those with vocations in the artistic realm to continue their important work. It’s not that we need fewer natural-law philosophers or appellate litigators; it’s that we need more of everything. There’s work for everyone, for artists and musicians, for pastors and theologians, for statesmen and lawyers, for scholars and activists.”

Each and every person has an important part to play in showing the world why marriage needs to between a man and a woman. While I may not be a prominent figure, I can use my talents to defend marriage. I do not need to stand on a soapbox and yell at passersby that marriage is between a man and a woman. I can use my talents to proclaim my beliefs. This blog is one way that I can share my beliefs and defend the family. Even small people can make a difference. We can use the social media for good. We can use it to show the world what God has ordained.

The film Courageous tells the account of a man who is awakened to the duties of associated with a father. He seeks to defend the importance of fatherhood. At the end of the movie he asks who will stand up be a father by saying, “Who will? Who will?” 

That is the question that we have today. Who will you stand and defend marriage?

Read Lynn D Wardle at http://www.nationalreview.com/article/378538/marriage-where-do-we-go-here-ryan-t-anderson

Read Sister Oscarson at https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/defenders-of-the-family-proclamation?lang=eng#watch=video 

The Power to Create a Happily Ever After

Ever since I was little I have been obsessed with books and the magical worlds that they create. I loved to be swept up in the stories of heroes whether big or small. I always waited eagerly for the very last page to see if the hero. I especially loved when happy endings involved a wedding. Often for the happily ever after to occur characters had to change. In Pride and Prejudice the 2 main characters had to change in order to fall in love. While this is a small example of change, we can also make big changes. Every hero has some sort of personal obstacle that they must overcome in order to have a happy ending. We all have less than perfect lives that leave obstacles to overcome so we can have happiness in our marriage. The obstacles could be abuse, addiction, divorce, separation, abandonment, or other fears. Just as the heroes in the books do, we too can overcome these obstacles and change our story.

“A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage. The changes might be for good or ill, but the most noteworthy examples are those individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive environment and who somehow find a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to their children. They break the mold. They refute  the observation that abused children become abusive parents, that the children of alcoholics become alcoholic adults, that “the sins of the fathers are visited upon the heads of the children to the third and fourth generation.” Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives.” (p. 18)

- Carlfred Broderick (1992). Marriage and the Family. New Jersey: Prentice-Hall.

As this quotes states we are the characters and we impact the ending of our story. We decide through our choices to change for the better. Our story does not end with us but lives on through our posterity. They continue the story when we pass on. No matter our background we can truly change. We can change because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. We do not have to blame our past for why we cannot be happy now or in the future. We all had less than ideal things happen in our families while growing up but we can change that. The Book of Mormon tells the account of the Stripling Warriors. These young men were incredibly valiant young men who helped preserve the Nephite nation during war. What may surprise one is that these valiant young men came from a family whose past had not been ideal. Their parents had been Lamanites meaning they had lived lives filled with iniquity such as murder. Upon accepting the gospel of Jesus Christ, these parents never looked back. They changed their children’s lives. People say we cannot change but it is an untruth. I know that we can change. I have seen so many people change. The Savior performed the Atonement so we could change our story to have a happy ending. No matter the past we have had in our family, we can make a difference for the future. The marriage we begin is a new chapter in our story. Just as any hero picks their choices and ultimately their ending so do we. We can have a happily ever after as we seek to use the Atonement every day. We need the Savior and He will help us achieve a happy ending.

Hans Brinker says, “Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.”

Let us be the hero of our own story.                              

Choose to be a transitional character and change the ending of your story.

No one else can change it.