Each of us have weaknesses. Not one of us is exempt from
them. Just as our spouse has weaknesses so do we. We usually enjoy 80% of our
spouse’s character. The other 20% is the things that annoy us. We often get
caught up in looking at only the 20%. Of course our marriage will suffer when
we only see the bad. It is like choosing a raincloud to follow you around all
day. The percentages show us that there are more things that we love about our
spouse than dislike. When we focus on the 80%, we choose sunshine to follow us
around. I know that when I choose the 80% I am much happier. I had a companion
on my mission with whom I felt frustrated. Do you know what the source of
frustration was? It was my looking only at her weaknesses. One day I had a
change of heart and tried to see only the good in her. As I sought to see her
strengths, I lost my frustration. I needed to change my self and not the other
way around. I needed to see the sunshine instead of the raincloud.
The truth is that we cannot change people no matter how much
we want to. John Gottman says that 70% of that 20% that annoys us will never
change! That means for the most part we cannot change those traits or habits. Instead
we are given the opportunity to learn to love those traits. In an earlier post
I mentioned that we need to love the warts that our spouse has. This is the
perfect time to begin to love them. If you were to take away those things that
annoy you, your spouse would not be the same. In fact, they would be a
different person. I have learned that every weakness has strength. Removing a weakness
from your spouse would mean removing a strength that you love. You can choose
to see the good that comes from that 20%.
You may wonder about remaining 30% of the 20% if things that annoy you.
That 30% can change on one condition: you must love your spouse the way they
are. Isn’t it ironic that we must love our spouse the way they are in order for
them to change? Think about yourself. When are you most likely to change? Is
when you feel criticized or when you feel love? I know that I change when I
feel love and accepted for who I am. I do not worry about weaknesses and
shortcomings. Instead I feel free of restraint. I feel that I can fly and
become anyone that I want to be.
I invite you to think where you are on the 80/20%. Where do
you spend most of your time? Do you see all of the good in your spouse? Do you
love them the way they are? If you are short in one of these areas, make a plan
to do better. I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ we can change.
You can change your thoughts and actions to that of a better person. You can
love your spouse more deeply and intimately as you plead for Heaven’s help. Choose to fill your life with sunshine as you seek for the 80% in spouse.
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